Inspired by Elusivestate

1. I was too shy.

2. She was too popular.

3. She was too experienced

4. She didn't have the looks

5. She lived 1000 miles away.

6. She was too old

7. She taught me that silence is of the essence

8. She was as bad ass as i was.

9. She was a slut and taken.

10. She was the devil.

11. She is perfect. 

Lizard sleeping on its own now 

Skin to scale of open wounds now

we'll be washed of all these things

but dirtied in the loss of know how

and in the sunlight you'll arrest

the brittle frail left on your chest now

its the something that i'll take to rest

still lonely children on depressed foul

Manchester United ended Arsenal's 49-match unbeaten streak with a 2-0 win at Old Trafford in Manchester, england, with Ruud van Nistelrooy converting a penalty and Wayne Rooney scoring his first league goal for the club in injury time on his 19th birthday.

1. Don't ask your girlfriend to have a threesome. It's not happening, if she was that down that she would have one... you wouldn't have to bring it up, she would.

2. If you want to have sex with your girlfriends sister, don't tell her. You will never be trusted to be around her alone again.

3. If you want to have sex with your girlfriends mother, don't tell her. You will never be trusted to be around her alone again.

4. If your girlfriend can't cook, pretend she can... then secretly throw out everything she makes you, but tell her how good it was. If you tell her it was bad, you will never hear the end of it.

5.  Pretend you can't iron or clean well. Make sure you make repeated but lousy attempts to do  these things though, eventually she will think it is so cute that you try but just can't do it, then she will do them for you.

6. Don't comment on your girlfriends driving no matter how close to death you come or how angry other drivers get. Trust me on this one, it will save a whole lot of fights.

7. If an incredibly gorgeous girl is about to walk by, simultaneously grab your girls hand or put your arm around her as you eye the other chick up and down. The fact that you are giving your girlfriend so much attention around another hott female will totally blind her to the fact that you are checking out the other chick. Believe me she knows there is another hott body in the vicinity.

8. Give your girlfriend a dutch oven. (while in bed, lay a huge fart and pull the covers over her head.) This will make any other fart you drop seem like a negligible action, in other words no other fart will be as bad as the dutch oven... hence you may fart away.

9. Always ask before you change the channel, i bet many of you did not know this, but girls can watch tv in the living room (wedding story) from the bathroom with the hair dryer on.

10. If you want ass but don't feel like returning the favor, masturbate... this will save you a headache and blue balls. Don't expect hand-outs with a smile unless you are a rockstar or celebrity.

If anyone has anything else to add or some counter-opinions... feel free!

The boys better get their shit together. What they need is the hair-dryer treatment.. the likes of which Sir Alex Fergueson would give them.(manager of Manchester United)  He has been known to get in faces and yell so hard that the sweat in your hair will dry, it does the trick though. No more of this calm shit, we have to win and thats all. We still have a game in hand and now we are back in NY. The yanks have got to pull it off now, back to business as usual in the BX. There is no other way!

With that being said, it's time once again for the black dude on bagpipes: